arbitrary thinkings

sex. drugs. entertainment.

it’s never about what happened on the outside and the places you’ve been. it’s about perceived notions and things happened within.

amidst all my problems and contemplations of how little anything in the world makes sense, i realized that…i need to grow up.

of course there are going to be problems. this is a fallen world, but it’s all perspective. once again, there’s a wide and a narrow road, with my flesh literally stretching towards the broader road, flashing and dazzling with happy people and sunshine everywhere, but the narrow road is dark. and mysterious. and uncertain. but there’s a small shimmering light waaay off in the distance and it’s a leap of faith to walk that path for a lifetime, because it will drive you insane.

however, i want to take that chance. it sounds much more exciting than everything i’ve already known and seen. and it’s a cause certainly well worth dying for.

of praying for the past three days.

it seemed like such a menacing task at first, but it felt like no time at all passed by. i found myself purging all these things from the past and the Lord revealed all these wrongs i had to make right and then i could start over. it felt so surreal and refreshing. i want to make this a daily habit.

Spent today at an HIV clinic.

In the country with the #1 HIV/AIDS ranking in the world.

Supposedly, 26% of the community consisting of 7,000-9,000 people was supposed to have it.

Today, only 1 in 50 did.

 Death isn’t a tragedy to those who know Jesus.

Even when it’s right in front of you, as this happy little HIV-positive lady showed us during a “counseling” session.

And i got bit by a dog.

Anyways, today was a good day.

Lately, my problems have been discernment and frustration. Discernment, because, like now, i don’t Really know what my problem is. Simply too many of them stemming from one root that i can’t identify. Frustration, because i feel dumb that my vocabulary’s gotten worse, as have my calculating skills due to being out of school for so long. Oh, and apathy’s slowly killing me too. I need account-ability.

I feel i’ve let so many people down because i lacking in putting the right words into writing. I feel like i’m a lunatic at times. Most of all though, this world seems inadequate. These “amazing” inventions and philosophies of the world seem to pale in comparison of what they should be. Well, won’t get too in depth with that.

alSo, i’ve learned the world is pretty much the same wherever you go except different shades of people and shapable buildings.

I really love my peach state.

I don’t really mind rules. sometimes i even like them. but i really hate people who tell me and/or enforce the rules. especially snobs who hide behind them and smile innocently.

Next 3 days consist of 12 hours of prayer straight each, so any prayer requests via fabo message or here. go for it.

I want to further pursue hearing God’s voice, so no more of this electronic contraption for a few weeks at least. The End. God bless.

Chik-fil-a. McDonalds. Burger King. Honey Pig. Charleston’s. Olive Garden. a million Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Popeye’s. Bojangles. Riverside Pizza. Papa Johns. Long John Silvers. Taco Mac. Rosa’s. Pappadeux. Indian food. Fuddrucker’s. Corky’s. Golden Buddha. Stevie B’s. Quizno’s. Five Guy’s. Paris Baguette. QT. Sonic. Outback. Barnacles. Zaxby’s. Checker’s. Athen’s Pizza. Mellow Mushroom. H-Mart. Golden Corral. Waffle House. parent’s restaurant. church. Aunt Annie’s. Johnny Rocket’s. Steak n Shake. Bruster’s. Baskin Robbins. Costco. home.

A few reasons why we pursue what is in our hearts, rather than what we already hold in our hands:

What is in your hand often involves pressure, discipline, and diligence; what is in your heart is romantic.

The pressure of the present is not what is on your heart. Your heart holds a dream to which you can escape and this is also why people become addicted to dramas, anime, games, etc. 

What is in our hands is present and familiar; what is in our hearts is distant and mysterious.

We take the things familiar to us for granted. The Jews were seeking an almighty Messiah to come galloping on a white steed and when a carpenter’s son, simply one of them, came, it was preposterous that this Jesus could be their Saviour.

What is in your hand can seem self-indulgent; what is in your heart can seem noble.

The usual Christian thing to pursue is a life feeding the hungry and helping the poor and your heart will make them seem noble. And they are, but other talents, normally for self, can become noble as long as they align with Jesus’s path.

What is in your hand looks like you; what is in your heart looks the way you would like to look.

Human nature has a tendency to dislike the way we look, but the Bible mentions that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:14) Appearances and worldly judgment no longer matter once we see the cause that we’re made to strive for.

What is in your hand carries the weight of expectation; what is in your heart is unexpected.

What other people expect out of you may lead you to go a totally different direction as you “follow your heart” as you try to get out of the box you feel you’re put into, but God only asks you start what you already have.

What is in your hand is natural; what is in your heart is spiritual.

Spiritual gifts like evangelism, tongues, prophesy, preaching, etc. may seem so much cooler compared to the natural world like being a waiter, plumber, businessperson, etc. but with Christ’s cause into it, they are on equal standards.

two weeks ago, i gave away the rest of my money and decided to trust God. well, i never missed a single meal and it was actually easier being broke and being given or working for my basic needs than it was handling money, as well as developing a closer relationship with people as my reliance on them had grown. i relearned that money is the root of all evil and God is good all the time.